


Biscuit

by PhoenixGalaxy



Series: Regan Week 2018 [3]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Day 3: Unrequited, F/M, M/M, Pining, Regan Week 2018, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:24:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixGalaxy/pseuds/PhoenixGalaxy
Summary: Negan wore pain and suffering like a scarf tight around his neck. His life was never happy for long.





	Biscuit

**Author's Note:**

> Portishead's 'Biscuit' inspired the fic and title, check it out if you'd like.

From a young age, Negan figured God never existed. He was just a fictional character like Santa Claus, something that existed to convince all the little kids in America to be good and wholesome to receive a reward. Well, Negan tried being good, he tried so damn hard his mind went around in circles to figure out why none of his efforts worked. Being a good boy didn’t save his mother from his father. It sure as hell didn’t save him from his shitheaded grandfather. 

By the time Negan was in high school, he gave up being a good person and gave into his urges. He had what or who he wanted when he wanted them, given proper consent, of course, rape is a HUGE no-no. He had his way all through college where he could be as wild and free as he wanted to, without his grandfather’s disapproving gaze cramping his style. Lo and behold, he started slowing down from all the fast-paced bullshit that wasn’t getting him anything but bad grades to tag onto his bad attitude. Bad grades that cost him the track scholarship that kept him away from his shit home life. 

He started clearing his head and got a volunteer gig at the local fire station that helped him pay for school, something he stuck with long after he graduated college with his master’s degree in architecture to work in Washington, D.C. and get far, far away from the kid who used to hide in the walls when daddy hurt mommy. Nevertheless, buttfuck that fairy tale shit cuz the shit continued to hit the motherfucking fan when Negan turned thirty. His grandfather had a stroke and couldn’t maintain the apartment building by himself anymore and neither of them had the money to shack the old shit in a retirement home; so, Negan was stuck taking care of him.

He’s gotta be honest, shit sucked for four long years until the old fart finally croaked, leaving Negan behind with the decaying apartment building, empty of all tenants except for him. At least until she showed up. Lucille Dahmani-Burton, a 30-year old Virgo, moved into the room beneath Negan’s to pursue her career as an archivist in Atlanta. She recently moved out of her family home in Virginia to get space from her older brother. She was the sweetest woman he’d ever known, and just like his father, he killed her. 

As his therapist has told him many times, there is no way he could have given her cancer but Negan’s pretty sure he did. All the shit he put that poor woman through, she deserved a thousand times better than she got. He should have known it would never work out, men like him, men like his father and grandfather, never lived under the same roof as Love for very long. He figures he should not have been so hurt when things fell through with Rick.

Rick motherfucking Grimes was every romantic dream and sexual fantasy he ever had rolled up into one pristine being. He was a beautiful, good man who moved to the city to start his new life as an undergraduate student at the University of Georgia to earn a degree in criminal justice. He became Negan’s roommate after he sold the apartment building and bought a two-bedroom condominium in Athens. Rick came sauntering into Negan’s home on those thick, bowlegs and he was smitten. At the time, Rick had very short curled brown hair and a baby soft face, clear of the short beard he’s grown in their past two years of living together. 

Negan kept all of his fucking filthy thoughts to himself to spare the innocent man but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t flirt a little. He never allowed himself to consider being in an actual relationship with Rick because he couldn’t stand the thought of the man dying from being with him. So, he listened whenever Rick had relationship trouble with the fucking idiot he was with from back home and tried to ignore the heartache festering in his chest. Shit, he was lucky enough to have the kind of relationship he and Rick already shared.

They were a couple of domestic fools, sitting close and cuddling up on the large L-shaped sofa when they clearly did not have to. Rick would bring Negan lunch to his office when he was too busy working on the blueprints for the new arts building at UGA and they would sit together, eating curry and talking about their days. Negan would help Rick study for his exams, throwing pieces of red licorice at him whenever he got an answer wrong. Negan never questioned for a minute that if he offered, he was sure Rick would agree to go out with him. Only, he could never do it. He could never put Rick at harm’s way like with Lucille.

All he had were his dreams. And in his dreams, he and Rick were glorious. In his dreams, they already fucked on every surface of the condo and even in his some of old haunts through his family’s apartment building. The dreams became so appealing that Negan stopped seeking his one-night stands, they couldn’t amount to the Rick he met every night in the dreamscape. And guess what, he was fucking fine with it. He could handle it because at the end of the day, Rick came back to him every night and they had a home in each other’s arms.

Negan wiped away the tears on his cheeks so he could start his day. It was getting harder to look at the other side of his bed and finding it empty. He shuffled out of his bedroom to make breakfast wearing only his baggy grey pajama pants. He whipped up scrambled eggs, fried strips of bacon, and prepared his infamous homemade French toast, a recipe from his mother. He smirked as he dusted a bit of confectioner’s sugar over the slowly cooling French toast. Rick was going to fucking love this. Breakfast is the most important meal of the motherfucking day and Negan cooked his favorite. 

Confusion crossed Negan’s face at the lack of sound he heard coming from Rick’s room. The smell of Negan’s cooking always drew Rick out of his room. The confusion doubled as he heard the keys in rattling on the other side of the front door. Rick came into the condo laughing heartily with a skinny dull brown-eyed brunette on his arm. The pair stopped at the sight of Negan laying out plates of food on the dining room table. The momentary silence nearly choked the shit out of Negan until Rick finally spoke up.

“Morning, Negan. Uh, this is Lori Ross and Lori, this is my roommate I was telling you about Negan Walker.” Negan may as well be a vampire as the title, roommate, drove a stake through his heart and he wanted to dissolve into the atmosphere. He pulled a broad smile on his face that was apparently more frightful than welcoming if Lori’s body language were anything to go by. She smiled shortly and waved kindly to him.

“Well, don’t just stand there. Y’all come on in, breakfast if fucking served,” he said, grandiosely opening his arms to present the food. He heard Rick whisper something to her along the lines of ‘don’t mind him, he’s always like this’. Honestly, coming from anyone else, the shit would not have gotten on Negan’s nerves but hearing it from Rick sent his teeth on edge. Rick and Lori sat down at the dining room table and began filling their plates with food Negan cooked. He spotted the matching silver bands on their left hands and suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore. He left the two to their meal and went to his room, closing the door softly behind him. 

Shit shit shit shit shit shit repeated through Negan’s head on loop while he paced in circles in his bedroom. He felt like the middle of his chest was burning away as his face heated up and his eyes filled with tears. He fucking knew he could never be with Rick like he wanted to but seeing him smiling so sweetly at someone else in his very own fucking house just shattered whatever pretenses of a shield he thought he managed to put around his heart. The thought that they were going to get married shattered him and he seriously hasn’t felt nearly this shitty since Lucille died and he thought half of him died with her that day. He could hear them talking.

“I see what you mean about him being a mother hen,” Lori said. Negan’s heart fluttered at the thought of Rick talking about him with other people. He pressed his ear against the door to hear them better.

“Yeah, it was nice when I first moved in. Been a long time since someone’s cooked for me but he gets kind of clingy.” Negan froze against the bedroom door.

“Aww Rick, but he’s so sweet.” 

“I know, I know but he’s getting overbearing and I’m kind of tired of it.” Ice ran through his veins. Was Rick really tired of him?

“Well, you don’t have much longer to deal with him right?”

“Yeah, the semester is almost up. I just have to figure out a way to let him know I’m moving out.”

“I’m so excited that we can finally live together.” Negan could hear the sickly sweet smile on her face.

“Me too.” Negan wanted to throw up. 

Instead, he put on a sweatshirt and a pair of tennis shoes. He made sure he had his cellphone and keys before he ran out of the house, barely saying goodbye to the couple on his way out. He had to get as far as he could from the condo and found himself in a park. Negan sat down on a bench with a heavy sigh and heavier heart. He couldn’t let Rick hear him crying like a whiny little bitch while he was trying to have a perfectly normal day with his, his… Negan shook his head clear of the word. He couldn’t even think about it. 

He used the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe away the tears and snot that accumulated on his face on his way here, he knew he was gross but fuck it, didn’t matter anyway. Not like he could ever have someone of his own again. He finally looked up to observe his surroundings. He counted every tree, bush, bird, and squirrel while his breathing returned to normal. The feelings seemed to seep out of him until he felt hollow like he could reach right through and touch his spine. 

After a while of just sitting blankly, Negan stood and started walking aimlessly again. Something called him to look up and he saw a fluff of red dashing out into the street where an ATS bus was heading straight for it. Without thinking, Negan ran to push the child out of the way so the bus didn’t harm her but that didn’t help him. The last thing Negan saw was a pair of wild looking blue eyes surrounded by a head of curly red hair that made him smile because they reminded him of Rick and Lucille respectively. At least he could go with a smile on his face.


End file.
